Cammy's Hodgepodge Nook

Like A Piss In The Shower, So Are The Days of Our Lives...

2012-02-28T12:24:00.007-08:00

I remember being 4 years old and having an uncontrollable urge to eat sugar. I ate an entire sugar bowl to myself. I savoured it. I went against my mother's wishes, ate that entire bowl of sugar...then lied about it.

I don't regret a thing. Most likely because my mother wasn't so much heart broken but seriously disappointed...fuck her, she died anyway.

I love lying. I don't so much do it anymore, I'm not very good at it and I find I give less and less of a shit about what people think of me. We all do gross and horrible things. If you've never wee'd in the shower, then I can assure you, now that I said I have, you will, next time if not do it, will think about doing it. The more you will think about weeing in the shower you'll feel less and less bad about it and you will, eventually after some serious soul searching will release that grand canary.

Unfortunately that will be the exact moment your partner will take your advice to be "more spontaneous" and hop in the shower with you. You'll lie and say it's a new shampoo that looks yellow and smells like urine. If they truly love you, they will let you have that one...and if they REALLY love you, they won't let a little urine or serious smell of steamy hot piss, deter them from giving you a little *wink wink* attention.

Eww, your boyfriend is gross.

Forgive me for this blog. I didn't really have an idea of what I wanted to write about, but I figured I better start writing despite not having a subject. I just got my own laptop!. I knew so little about Laptops I asked the store clerk to see his Labtops. I thought it made sense. A computer would be on a Lab Table...whatever. I had my Techno-savvy friend help me pick one.

This guy (picture below) taught what a processor meant.

Luckily technology has now gotten to a point where you don't have to spend $2000 on a laptop in order to be able to check all your ego boosting websites or edit a couple ego exploiting videos.

Could you detect a hint of self loathing? I think if you don't hate yourself just a little, you're a lying asshole...or incredibly naive.

I only hate the human side of me. The negative emotions I can't control nor have the energy to hide.

I also haven't been to the gym for about a week. I feel mildly ashamed but I just haven't had the steam to go. It started out first that all my gym gear stunk...didn't do laundry for a bit...took a day to do my laundry, took a day for my clothes to dry, had to work during the day once and now it's Tuesday. I'm going to go today after my PPJ toast lodges itself into a better place in my body.

I felt terrible for eating a banana and an apple at the same sitting today.

Then I hated myself for my strange guilt toward fruit

Then further hated myself for hating myself.

I'm sick of myself.

Maybe that's why I wanna meet someone. Put that hatred toward something shitty boyfriend's do, like play too many video games or check they're phone while you're on a date or like sleep with other women.

I rather spend my brain time hating men over hating myself.

Knowing my luck I'll meet someone amazing, won't find anything wrong with them and be convinced I'm bored when really I'm just content.

This is why, dear readers...STAY AWAY FROM DATING COMEDIANS!! We're going down and we won't think twice of taking you down with us!

I'm just kidding, I'm actually really awesome and nice and care deeply for the people I love...with a hint of scary love, but I'm mostly just kidding when I say I'm going to hug your baby till it's eyes pop out.

Proof reading this....I'm terrifying and don't fully understand how to use commas, maybe.

We are all Kevin Bacon

2011-05-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

Finally I remembered my password! For about a year I have been meaning to write, but kept putting it off because I knew I didn't remember what my sign in was or my passwords. I also think that previous bit of information was entirely uninteresting...

Let's move on!

I currently live in "The Big City" comparatively big to Victoria. Vancouver is kinda funny because now that I live here, it doesn't seem all that big either. I'll friend someone and I'll see that we have randomly eight same friends...acquaintances...ok, I worked like 8 shifts at that shitty bakery with that person we both know and I didn't even like them, but accepted the friend request because I didn't wanna be rude...you think he's a dumbass too? Yay!

And now we're stronger friends.

Vancouver is different from the cities I have lived in before. I feel everyone seems so concerned about everyone. People are really into your business, yet nobody actually actively talks to anyone. The gossip runs rampant, but I'm sure most of it is just speculation and imagery. Maybe it's because of Facebook that we seem to speak only in heresy with a twist.

I was speaking with a friend about a dude that comes into our work. He gets a bran muffin and a medium coffee everyday and we engage in light banter about raisins. The man leaves and I have the following conversation with my friend:

Me: That Brian guy seems funny and cool. I agree on his stance about raisins.

Friend: I thought he was cool too, until I read his status this morning.

Me: Why are you facebook friends?

Friend: We both "liked" the same band and became facebook friends.

Me: ok, what was his status

Friend: "Don't cry for me, I'm already Dead" He's like suicidal and like most likely broke up with his wife or something...maybe she cheated on him...she probably cheated on him....she totally cheated on him...most likely...with his best friend...no his brother...I saw that his wife and his brother have a weird facebook relationship...you can see their extra connection in his pictures.

Me: His status is just a quote from Simpsons

Friend: oh...hahaha he is funny. He must like Simpsons.
--------------------------

And then my head exploded. It's almost like Facebook and Blogging and the interwebs have all connected us a little too much. I feel because of Facebook and Twitter we all now live in a weird little cyber town, where everybody knows your business and makes up shit to connect the other shit together.

I'm not saying I'm bothered by it. The only time I'm bothered by it is when someone who I get the creep vibe from knows something about me from stumbling upon something I have on Youtube or from a picture they saw of me 6 friends removed from his facebook friendtree.

Creepo: Hey you looked sexy in that Lady Gaga photo on Facebook.

Me: huh?

Creepo: Oh I'm friends with George who's friends with Tony, who once dated Jennifer who I always thought was sexy and I was looking at her facebook and noticed she commented on your picture of you and her friend that is in the picture of you...small world hey?

Me: Yee-ah...totally, that's neat...kinda how it's neat that I just noticed all the escape routes I can take in this particular room...never noticed them all until this very moment.
-----------------------------------
I don't think it has anything to do with Vancouver, I'm just noticing it here at this time because I happen to be living here. I also don't really have very many barriers up when it comes to privacy. I'm an open door. Which yes, sometimes you get weirdos in your house when you leave the door open. I don't need a solution, it's just an observation.

Facebook has turned us all into a bunch of Kevin Bacons living in a small town where everybody knows your business and who are all 6 degrees away from that bran muffin you had at the cafe today.

Oh yah I didn't mention this...

2010-04-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

Julio died...got hit by a car...shitty. So I bought a dog!

http://www.olivedoggyblog.blogspot.com/

Julio and the Amazing Technicolour Dream Coat, One Size too Small!

2010-01-12T09:42:00.000-08:00

This is Julio Pell-Wickins. He's my beautiful black baby! I still remember the day I took him home. He was so cute! I found him at the pet store, no bigger then my foot. He was laying on his back staring off into space. I went up to the cage and he hadn't switched his focus. With my finger, I poked him on the nose twice, still no movement. With that exchange I knew he was my kind of Kitten, pending he was still breathing and not dead.

Unlike most kittens, Julio settled into our home perfectly. No adjustment time needed. He plunked right beside his Dad and with no fear said "Sup." (pictured right, Julio's first Halloween)

A very energetic baby cat! We ruffled him up as much as possible, tossed him around, played Cat and Mouse a bunch, but we noticed Julio had some issues left over from Kittenhood.

He would wrap himself in my hair and suck on his own nipples, needless to say his nipple complex was intense. So intense I had to sleep with a shirt on or....well, I'm not going to go into details, but let's just say sometimes I woke up to things "getting wierd."

We went and saw a vet and the vet said that he's just a little touched. Working with many theripsts and social workers, Jula Hoops finally kicked his nipple habit...however, his fancy then became food.

I tried to distract him by entering him into group activities such as kitten soccor. This made Julio very excited since his idol has always been Ronaldinho from the Brazillian Football Team.

His first day he even met his best friend, Wacko Jacko.

This is a picture after their first victory against the Ladysmith Team. They were the best duo. They played hours and hours on end. They called themselves the Oreos. Everyone could taste the magic.

Sadly, one day WJ didn't show up to practice. Whereas WJ always lead a healthy, active lifestyle, he himself also battled with his weight. He over excersized so much that his parents found him on his treadmill dead from a stress enduced heart attack.

The news broke Julio. He couldn't sleep through the night anymore, he didn't want to go to Football anymore...things just kept getting worse and worse for Julio. This is when the pounds started to come on really hard for Hoolie.

He took the news so hard and it was very difficult to see Julio go down this path of distruction.

I contacted Freaking News.com to help Julio, but he couldn't be helped, the show producers said we had to stop filming his intervention because of "his violent tendecies against the staff and their children"

Little Suzie has lost 75% of her vision from cat scratch fever.

I put all liquor we had in the cupboard Julio can't get into. After this, food was his drug of choice. His weight ballooned up to a whopping 16lbs.

According to our Vet, a pound for a cat is like 20lbs for a human. My lil' Juler is morbidly obese. As a cat parent, this breaks your heart, but is also kinda funny. After my vet ripped into us about "Kittenbetes" I decided I couldn't be Julio's enabler no more. I sent in pictures of him to a website that posts these images to every pet store in town, so that he couldn't "get his fix" anymore.

My first attempt was to give him positive words of encouragment. I posted little notes on the food cupboard like this one

Julio was quick to point out that this wasn't the way to get through to him. He left this at my pillow.

Underneath it, he left me a shit.

Enough was enough. After he defecated on my egyptian cotton, I knew that this wasn't a healthy lifestyle for me. So I came down hard on Julio and told him to get help or move out.

My ultimatum worked! Julio anwered the wake up call and left a message to change!

I've worked really hard with Julio to come up with healthy fitness goals. I asked him to find me a picture of what he'd like to look like. He showed me this.

I've had to really drill into him, that this is unacceptable and is just setting himself up for failure.

We made a written agreement that he was going to live the life Wacko Jacko couldn't. Through proper excercise and diet, Julio was going to meet his target weight of 12lbs! Julio wants to, in his words, "Sit ons a ledge without fawing off and hurted my's head"

We agreed to "No mores Teesburgers!"

He has proper goals and has also come up with proper penalties if he doesn't meet those goals.

Julio has so far managed to loose 3 ounces! We're happy to announce he's still on the wagon! Keep up the good work Julio and we'll be sure to keep everyone posted to his future successes!

YAY!

New Year, New Fears, New Career?

2010-01-04T16:54:00.000-08:00

HI!

Wow been a bit since I last blogged my face all over your screens...well anypoop, it's a new year 2010! COOL!...Yay! Yah! Yeh? Meh...boooo-urns!

I'm feeling optimistically motivated to do things this year. Do things regarding, health, career and like that's probably about it...maybe put in a vegetable garden?

Many changes at the latter end of the year have put me in a perfect position to get the shizz done and did!

And yet I can't be BOTHERED!!!!

That's not entirely true, I will get things done, but man! Today the "official put plan into action" date I set up for myself, so far I'm sittin here being all blergy about it. I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TODAY!!!

So the small thing I'm doing today is eating well and writing this blog. Is it enough? I guess so...maybe I'll add "take a shower" but I had already missed my "brush your teeth three times a day" resolution... I was distracted and forgot...now my mouth tastes like a cat pooped in it...luckily I work by myself and have gum in my bag.

"Do the little things" a friend mentioned this to me the other day. He said "Get the little things done" little did he realize that "little" doesn't really exist in my world, I always end up making it bigger then it has to be...like showering....I can't just get naked and hop in, I gotta make it an event, do a naked dance in the mirror, pick at various moles I think are blackheads, but aren't then they get red and it makes me sad, stare at my naked self, loathing parts I can't control and loving weird things like the size of my left nipple or like the sad face opening of my belly button...then I draw a face on my core with an eyebrow pencil. Spend the next 15 minutes laughing and then crying a little because it looks wobbly and makes my body look disproportionate...I curse at myself for not being better at drawing, come to the realization I'm being neurotic and then finally 30 minutes later I'm ready to get in...the body shop eyebrow pencil isn't coming off very well...shit.

I'm a fucking freak.

I also make fart sounds with my mouth.

You know what I did do ok so far! I mean I ate well today, I got to work and accomplished accentual tasks, I wrote this blog and on the weekend I wrote a sketch...so why am I being so hard on myself?

Because I'm a whiner and listened to too much Boy II Men at work...that shit depresses me.

I'm switching too...um....um....Kelis. She's angry and will make me more motivated and or at the very least shake my shit.

So in conclusion...ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!

Preace OOuuut!

I smell great after my shower despite all the hoopla I have to go through.

I'm Feeling Top Gun, But In No Way In The Danger Zone?

2009-09-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

Over Christmas 2008, I found out that my mother at 58 was diagnosed with terminal cancer and isn't expected to live more than a year. The devastation I experienced was probably the lowest point I had ever felt in my life. Losing a parent is wordless. You can't describe it, you can only feel it. To try and describe even a fraction of what you feel seems insulting to the process. It can't be explained only experienced.

This unexpected holiday surprise took me back to Christmas 1996 when I had lost my father because of a freak snowstorm. At thirteen years old I felt saddened, but because of my estranged relationship with my bilogical father, I suppose I was more numb, with feelings of disapointment rather then sadness. Disapointed that he would never know me and I would never know him.

Since I was a kid, a typical meal for my mother was a hot cup of coffee followed by a pack of cigarrettes and every now and again when the money was flush, a secret bag of oreos hidden in her knitting bag (and that was at the worst...in case she reads this, I do recognize that we did have meals now and again together blah blah blah). She didn't understand proper nutrictian, but judged her health on what dress size she was...a common mistake many people make.

The last memory I have of my father was the last visit I had with him. I was 10 or 11 years old and he was working construction on a beautiful house in Mill Bay. The day was hot and he had removed his shirt. My father had an eight pack. I assumed at the time 'Woah, my Dad is strong!" In retrospect, my father may have had an eight pack, but also had a 24 pack in the back of the truck (matched with the vodka OJ's he had for breakfast) At one point his liver was so toxic, he couldn't walk. Unfortunatly by the time he started putting his life in order, it was too late.

Despite my parents being self-distructive, they still were amazing, attractive, kind hearted (yet slightly f'd up) people and I'm honoured to have their genes and bone structure and moments of insane comical thought. My mom's skin is made of gossamer goosedown moon beams pretty much and at 58 and riddled with cancer, she just now is starting to show age. At 26 I get carded for lottery tickets.

I don't believe their deaths (or rather pending death) has everything to do with their nutritican, but it certainly didn't help.

January 2009 I realized that neither one of my parents led a healthy lifestyle and unfortunately didn't, or probably won't make it past 60 years old. 60 is young...it's really young.

I am a product of my parents. Whereas I've inherited many of their attributes, I have also been cursed with many of their downfalls. Over indulgent, big dreamers with too many ideas and too little attention span to pick one and work it until it comes to fruition. I rather start 15 projects, not finish any of them and lie about how many more I got on the go.

I'm so sick of it.

I wanna do the things I say I'll do and become the woman I feel I am. Even though it's so much work and it's easier just to watch a Family Guy re-run I've seen 4 times, that same day...I hate our t.v. programming...but that's another blog.

So at the begining of the year I decided my first goal was to get fit and complete another Half marathon and I'm not talking, just lose a bunch of weight by crash diets, I mean proper nutrician, proper training for life, not just the marathon.

(left pic Christmas 2008- yah I'm making myself look bigger, but that's how I felt)

If I'm to get cancer, I'll be stronger and possibly with a better chance of kicking it's ass. I'll admit, the thought of looking like walking sex in a bikini is sometimes what gets me through a 100 minute run, but isn't my sole objective.

Training for a Half Marathon is not easy. In fact it's probably one of the most challenging things I've done physically in my life. My starting weight before begining was 185lbs. When I ran The 1/2 Marathon last year I was at that weight and by the end of the run, I thought my hips were going to rip out my body and my knees had buckled up faster then a packed car of teenagers going through a road block.

I was running with an extra forty pounds on my frame and to put it into perspective I was basically piggy backing an eight year old, 24km in two hours and 43 minutes.

So this time I was to do it right. I consulted with my family doctor and an nutricienist/personal trainer, read a ton of running magazines, fitness magazines, books, I googled it and properly educated myself on proper eating and nutrician. Within my research I had found with my height and body type, my optimum weight is about 140lbs and I'm not even going to touch on the importance of muscle to fat ratio because we'll be here forever.

Your typical 5'9 super model averages about 115-120lbs (put that statemtent into your back pocket for later)

Wow, 45 pounds to lose...so basically no more piggy back rides...sorry Sally.

My training regime is feirce. To drop this weight I had commit myself to weight training 3-5 times a week, and I run 3-4 times a week. This is not a rediculous amount of excercise and really not even close to how hard professional athletes train for their runs. (* again, put that in the other pocket...I promise I have a point) I eat six meals a day and avoid as many processed foods as possible. Plenty of wholegrains, veggies, healthy fats (advacados, eggs, nuts etc) and lower in sugar fruits. I eat lean protein such as fish and poultry and keep my red meat intake to special occasions (which I've been to a bunch) this with an average of 3L of water a day. My daily food can fill up a table that seats four people.

Ten-ish pounds away from my goal I'm starting to get from family and friends "OK, you're too skinny now, I'm worried" thing? "Don't get anorexic on me!" with wink wink. I understand for my friends and family it's a bit of a shock to see someone shrink 35 ish pounds, but also I have to ask, "Have you even eaten breakfast today bitches?" I eat more meals by the time you wake up then you do all day.

"Don't compare yourself to the girls in the magazine"

I didn't...Lindsay Lohan, I'm sorry...Bitch looks hungry. I still have 30 pounds on her.

How am I to become anorexic when I eat six times a flippin day? It's not like I lost it in a month, I've lost it over the course of 9 freaking months!

(left a pic of me when I was thinner then I am now...wanna make something of it?)

I get people are concerned, but I'm not an idiot. When my family looks at my plate at fam dinners and sees that I opted out of the buttery, roasted in beef fat potatoes and only took a modest portion of cheese covered broccoli and tiny portion of smothered in Mayo and sour cream colslaw, it really makes me feel awful. Get your eyes off my f'ing plate! (months ago you people were concerned I was taking too many potatoes!) Changing your lifestyle is hard enough without everyone scrutizing the fact that I took extra beans and I asked if maybe people would butter they're own veg as oposed to slabbin' a stick of butter in the main dish and droppin the salt down like it's the first christmas snow.

This isn't a bad way to eat, in fact it rocks and tastes awesome, but when you're trying your best to meet a goal it makes your lack of support 1000 times worse then the caloric intake of the chocolate cake I'm going to have to say no to this ONE FREAKING TIME!!!!

"Oh come on, one piece of cake isn't bad" I never ever said it was. I'm just not eating it right now. I'm on the last ten pounds and any strike in insuline is going to put me farther away from achieving my goal of being healthy and fit enough to be able to enjoy a peice of cake or cheesy lasagna without a second thought.

A friend of mine had two doughnuts, three cups of coffee and a whole pizza by lunch time and this was after a night of nachos and copius amounts of booze. Earlier in the conversation they said they were happy they puked during the night so they didn't have to worry about the Nachos...then later, sit there and have the odacity to say to me "You're getting really fit hey? I'm a little worried you're going to be some bulimic anorexic, you're kinda bit hard core hey?" I just asked for my dressing on the side!

You puked all during the night and you're worried about me? A girl who eats 6 times a day, unprocessed foods? You had a chocolate bar for lunch and a bag of cheetos last week? Yah I had a poached sole on a bed of veggies and a whole wheat roll. Blow it out your chunky ass sister!

It's not crazy, it's called hard work to get off the last 15 years of bad eating, yoyo weight control and to complete a Half Marathon...I'm sorry you gotta train for that shit. 20% fitness 80% eating healthy. (right a pic of me...see how they're struggling? I'm no waif dicks!)

For optimum health, it is advised to eat every 2-3 hours. If you have ever said to yourself, "Hmmm, I'll eat this super sized Big Mac Meal because I haven't eaten all day." Don't fool yourself into thinking you did good. The Big Mac meal funnily enough, was the smartest thing you did do. Not genius, but not entirely stupid. What was truly idiotic and where you really went wrong was not eating.

When you don't eat your body immediately goes into starvation mode. In a panic your body slows it's metabolism down and stores anything you do eat as fat. You do this often enough and you'll wake up one day feeling like ass, wondering why you're 50 pounds over weight, but eat very little.

This is not to gloat in any way, but my metabolism is in such good working order right now that, yes I can have a big Mac, but I really don't fancy it. You eat healthy enough, often enough and food you thought tasted awesome begins to taste too salty, too sweet and makes you phyically bloated and sick. I don't persecute you for your eating habits, infact I may just snag a couple of your fries, so get off my case.

When your stomach is worrying about when it's next meal is gonna come, spend your time preparing a salad and wholewheat spaghetti instead of wasting your time worrying about me. My body is suffuciently sufficed.

And F.Y...FLIPPING I....if you're gonna chat to me about the importance of healthy eating and proper excercise, make sure your wicked ab routine doesn't consist of three vodka tonics, 6 shots of sambuca followed by god only knows how many beers, a bottle of rum and a prayer to the porceline god.

Put that in your back pocket and sit on it...no, even better get up and go for a power walk.

CAMMY OUT!

If I ever look like this worry..you can worry, but I'll never look like that.

If Only Blogging Were As Easy As Facebooking!

2009-06-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

I am BIZZZZ-ORED!

I just spent about 20 minutes on my facebook despretly trying to amuse myself. I was commenting on pictures of friends doing things with their friends, where I was not even involved in. I feel a bit lame for it now, but meh, who gives a right arm?

I feel compelled to write, but lack anything of value to say. Lately however I've been getting most of my great ideas during times where I can't really write something down. So instead I get inside my head and swim with those ideas in the pools of my mind. Thinking that when I get home, I'll be filled with so many wonderful things to write...bull.

I get home, get on the computer and like an idiot, I check my facebook. By the time I check profile...ok ok I mean spy on my friends...I'm bored. Facebook is t.v. I feel drained after a facebook session, like I just wanna go to bed. I've put in my comments, my little retorts, ask a friend for their phone number for the sixth time and then after that I am completly on empty.

This here, this right now is me struggling for something to just come out and be funny.

Michael Jackson's dead.....that's bummed me out. I'm bummed, I'm bummed and bored.

I went to a David Sedaris book reading a couple weeks ago. I mustered up enough courage to ask him if he sucked at writing at 26 as much I do...he said he can't even read his old stuff because it makes him cringe. This made me feel better and a little more optimistic.

But how to I go from shit to David Sadar-ish? My answer I assume is time...shitty, shitty time.

This is me bored.

This is what I do when I'm bored....

Maybe I should buy a Laptop....then I can be bored in coffee shops while looking like a dick.

Eyebrows, Thicker Than Gravy!

2009-06-09T15:16:00.001-07:00

Is it just me? Or are people sporting an extreme amount of eyebrows these days.

I can't seem to look at a face without being immediately drawn to big bushy beautifulls or in the case of one guy, one big bushy beautiful....fuckin' gross.

It's not that I don't approve, I certainly do, it makes me happy in my heart that the ever popular pencil thin, lopsided, porno valley brows are on a decline, but I can't help but wonder...just how far is it gonna go.

Let me start by saying....not everybody can pull it off. Too many pretty girls are letting their hair down, so to speak, when it comes to maintaining proper forhead grooming.

I locked eyes with a hipster-girl today who I swear pasted two small ethopian children to her face. Those things were tragic. She was kickin it hip with Eugene Levy riding Mr. Snuffleupagus right on her fourhead which due to this lack of weed-wackery was now only a two head, and me without my camera.

I get it if you're granola, I get it if you're trying to grow em back, but that wolf girl has been purposely rubbing her face in Rogain and it makes me want to spew sick all over the front of her retro plaid vest.
I'm gonna say on the majority, not a huge epidemic, but really? At this time? In this day and age? With all the shit that is happening; all the pain, hurt and suffering that is going on in this world, with more important tasks at hand that I pretend I care about, but don't really and yes, I feel shitty about how that makes me a bad person and trust me I do in the quiet moments of my self-loathing, self-centreness, think about that...breath...but when I manage to avoid all that, I'm doomed to ponder, EYEBROWS! EYEBROWS! EYEBROWS!

Fucking Hipster Cunt Rags...If only some of my good friends with vehicles were not you, I'd throw you all into a room filled of nike grey sweat pants with elastic ankles, you monkey fisted, fringe banged, ass-pus, red ringed poopholes!

But then again, a ton of people look great with 'em! Thru the building of this blog, I've grown to love them...haven't grown them, but have grown to like them.

And she skips away whistling the theme tune to Golden Girls...

Today's blog was brought to you by the number FORE!

Who said drinking alone was bad? I think it's fancy...but then I'm kinda drunk.

2009-05-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

Yah, I'm drinking by myself, you wanna make something of it, ugly? You're like so ugly, but like ugly inside, where it counts, you're ugly where math happens...yah you heard me, wha? Get outta here...no come back, you're alrighhhhh-

Drinking, alone at your home isn't sad. It's awesome. *Sip wine, Che-aahhhh delicious* I could have gone out tonight, but instead I decided to get some work done. So I was all set to write up a storm when all of a sudden, I was taken over by the Z's...not coo. *sip*

Perhaps *sip, thought, sip* I was just a little bit hungry...I made a delicious dinner of poached sole and veggies garnised with smoked gueyre and low and behold a bottle of wine left from a different night of good company and devilish debotchery.

"Should I break it open?" I asked, out loud, to myself, making me blush slighty, pssh, I'm by myself, I'm silly...should I open it? ding ding ding...yes yes I should.

It's not like I'm sitting on the floor, in filthy clothes with mascara down my face, listening to Janet Jackson's Velvet Rope (I promise this time, I'm not) I'm sitting, eating a lovely dinner watching Sex Und Da City...I am woman, here me roar...with laughter as I become a cliche/stereotype! Woop, woop!

All of a sudden, I'm no longer sleepy. I'm filled with inspiration and a little bit whooor-ney, but without a boyfriend insite I decided to go take a train to the inspiration station instead...I agree less fun, but dare I say and let's be perfectly honest more soul fullfilling. (or at least, I'm suppose to say that...you know the whole bra burning for our sins mumbo jumbo...thanks for the vote...gotta respec' da movement right? Sorta thing..men are bad and desposable, no I hate making cookies and taking care of children!)

*sip, gulp, swallow, check facebook, no new news, polish off glass, step to the kitchen, itch the left one, open the fridge, pour another glass, spill some, directly lick wine off the counter, remove mystery hair, possibly the cat's, possibly a pube, play with wine opener...it looks like a person lifting his arms, ...who cares..oooh wine, spill on floor, start to get on knees, no no no, no time, back to the computer, re-read, edit, add, correct typo, sip...

you still here?

So in conclusion, I'm like so good looking right now.

Oh shit here comes my boyfriend.....gotta go!!!

First Blog...Long Winded, grab some coffee and let's kick it!

2009-04-30T14:57:00.001-07:00

My first blog was long...but trust me, it doesn't take that much time to read it.

A Blogspot On My White Jeans...and all the cool kids know tears

2009-04-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well I'm here. Sitting at work, not working, but Blogging. My first day blogging and I'm already one of those people.

Fuck the dog.

I've avoided having a blog for sometime. Blogs had always seemed pompous and full of up-yer-own-assery. I figured people who had blogs were either travelling or self-centred opinionated jerks with too much on their minds, who needed a place to vent and have people find them funny and smart.

I don't really think I'm wrong about that, but I've now realized, I am a self-centred, opinionated jerk with tons on my mind and I want people to know how funny and smart I am...so I don't feel bad about it. In fact, I'm just being honest. I'm one of them, one of them, one of them! b

But when I do it, it's funny.
(I'm sure not everybody is like the latter...but still...oh who am I trying to cater to...if you're offended suck my vee vee ok?)

I'm not going to promise anything amazing, quite the contrary...I can promise something pretty much border line R-Tarded, but maybe one day, I'll have something relatively great to say...

See I knew this was going to happen, I was going to spend too much time thinking about what I want to intro myself with and it has so far just come out sounding up my own hooha. Warm, moist and groovy...wha?...oops sorry, but my Lady Ga Ga is kinda great. OH GAAD! This introduction is a proverbial quife on the face of all readers everywhere.

Haha Suckers!

Ok, ok, ok...I promise I'll be good.

A little about me...

WARNING**I enjoy writing with the whole dot dot dot aspect...if this annoys you, fuck off...it's a blog, not a novel.

I was born a pauper's daughter on a farm with a Pony. My mom is a dizzy hippie and my father was an alcholic with a six pack (of abs and beer...he worked like construction, so like he was all hot and shit)

Notice I say "father was" this is because he's super dead. Died in the Snowstorm of 1996...pretty cool hey? I'm like so over it now and have enough issues to make me completely desensitized by the whole thing...YAY! (Camiel jumps and remains suspended in mid air for three seconds)

Mums dying too...yah it's shitty...dead moms and dead dads are shitty.

But I have a second set, so it's all good. I've got my back up parents, so don't worry about little old me :) But yah if you hear me speak about my Dad (the one that isn't dead) just know he's not a zombie...even though I still think that would be hella cool and SPoooooky!

I'm a struggling comedian/writer...struggling in the way that I never write anything or do anything with the stuff I have written...so right now I'm basically a fraud/funny girl at the party...whatever I'm changing it...this blog is like so stage one.

This Blog is gonna get me writing. That's the way I look at it and it was good advice from a friend I deeply respect both professionally and personally that made me do it. I'm not a complete fraud, I do do other things like perform with a great group named Atomic Vaudeville (google, it's fab) and I participate in other things like half marathon stuff and random acts of kindness and I've done one indie film and also I graduated from Comedy School back in 2005.

So I would say I'm like 70% Cool 30% Loser...but aren't we all 70-30?

But I digress...

Right now I'm living in Canada, plotting my next move, having fun and chilling out in the process. Feel free to visit this blog, read it, like it, love it, feel cheated and then send all grammar and spelling corrections/complaints to camielpell@hotmail.com.

I don't know, there might be some kind of reply thing you can do...I don't know this is my first blog...I'm a Blog Virgin...I've gotten Blog all over my satin sheets...and I only got the tip in...I guess I'm a woman now.

Cue that song from that prepubescent educational film they showed us in grade 6!

"Changes keep falling, like the sunshine and the rain"

Oh by the by...I'm like one of those people who just shoots my mouth off without thinking about it or even having all the information...just another warning.